Don't read the personals!

Don't read the personals!

I was eating the best lunch in St. Louis and I accidentally opened the personals section of the Riverfront Times. And like a child, a curious child seeking forbidden delights, I started reading. Let me be kind and say that the people writing those ads think they will find that special someone. They are wrong. Most people are not kind, caring, and giving. The ones that are have already been scooped up or are trapped in relationships they can't or won't leave. Barring recent widows/widowers and virtuous divorcees, the remainder must have questionable intentions. So I will write a personal ad that is realistic and hopefully funny.

Self conscious, neurotic, compartmentalizing, straight SWM loner seeks self absorbed, facile and demanding SWF for gratuitous, meaningless sex and someone to eat with. Must be extremely high maintenance and materialistic. Do you enjoy frantic mall crawls, watery margaritas, tanning, curling irons, white lipstick, cellphones and carryout? Are you the focus of most of your conversations and feel left out when they aren't? Well you may have found your man.